诺贝尔文学经典:《宠儿》第10章Part 2

"Don't," she is saying between tough swallows. "Don't. Don't go back."
This is worse than when Paul D came to 124 and she cried helplessly into the stove. This is worse.
Then it was for herself. Now she is crying because she has no self. Death is a skipped mealcompared to this. She can feel her thickness thinning, dissolving into nothing. She grabs the hair ather temples to get enough to uproot it and halt the melting for a while. Teeth clamped shut, Denverbrakes her sobs. She doesn't move to open the door because there is no world out there. Shedecides to stay in the cold house and let the dark swallow her like the minnows of light above. Shewon't put up with another leaving, another trick. Waking up to find one brother then another not atthe bottom of the bed, his foot jabbing her spine. Sitting at the table eating turnips and saving theliquor for her grandmother to drink; her mother's hand on the keeping-room door and her voicesaying, "Baby Suggs is gone, Denver." And when she got around to worrying about what would bethe case if Sethe died or Paul D took her away, a dream-come-true comes true just to leave her on apile of newspaper in the dark.
No footfall announces her, but there she is, standing where before there was nobody when Denverlooked. And smiling.
Denver grabs the hem of Beloved's skirt. "I thought you left me. I thought you went back."Beloved smiles, "I don't want that place. This the place I am." She sits down on the pallet and,laughing, lies back looking at the cracklights above.
Surreptitiously, Denver pinches a piece of Beloved's skirt between her fingers and holds on. Agood thing she does because suddenly Beloved sits up.
"What is it?" asks Denver.
"Look," she points to the sunlit cracks.
"What? I don't see nothing." Denver follows the pointing finger.
Beloved drops her hand. "I'm like this."

"别，"她艰难地哽咽着，"别。别回去。"
这比保罗·D来到124号那天她对着炉子无助地哭泣更糟。这更糟。
那时是为了她自己。现在她哭，是因为她没有了自己。死亡与此相比不过是一顿空过去的餐饭。她能感觉到厚重的自己在变稀、变薄，消融殆尽。她抓住太阳穴上的头发，想把它们连根拔下来，使消融暂停片刻。丹芙咬紧牙关，止住啜泣。她没有过去开门，因为外面没有世界。她决定留在冷藏室里，让黑暗像吞噬头顶上光线的小鱼一样吞噬她。她不能忍受又一次离弃，又一次玩弄。有一阵子，她醒来时发现哥哥们一个接一个地不在床的下铺用脚丫戳着她的后脊梁了。那天，她坐在桌旁吃萝卜，把酒留给奶奶喝；妈妈却把手放在起居室的门上，说："贝比·萨格斯去了，丹芙。"当她正在为塞丝死去或者被保罗·D带走情形会怎样而担心时，梦想成真了，成真却只是为了将她抛弃在黑暗中的一堆报纸上。
没有脚步声通报，可是她来了，站在刚才丹芙没找见人的地方，而且微笑着。
丹芙抓住宠儿的裙角。"我以为你离开我了。我以为你回去了。" 宠儿微笑着说："我不要那个地方。这儿才是我待的地方。"她在草荐上坐下，然后大笑着躺倒，看着上方的光束。
偷偷摸摸地，丹芙把宠儿的裙角捏在手里，一直不松开。她做得有道理，因为突然间宠儿坐了起来。
"怎么了？"丹芙问。
"看。"她指着阳光的碎片。
"什么？我什么也没看见。"丹芙顺着她的手指望去。
宠儿放下手。"我就像这样。"